1 00:00:45,377 --> 00:00:49,336 ALICE: How long do you have to leave children's drawings up for? 2 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:54,414 Is a question we'd all rather not face, isn't it? 3 00:00:54,937 --> 00:00:57,929 When they're presented to you with such glee. 4 00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:05,008 I mean, what is that? 5 00:01:06,497 --> 00:01:08,931 I don't want to look at that on my fridge every morning. 6 00:01:09,017 --> 00:01:10,848 It's extremely disturbing. 7 00:01:12,217 --> 00:01:14,606 Five days, I'd say, is ample. 8 00:01:15,417 --> 00:01:19,046 And then you really shouldn't feel guilty about putting them in a drawer. 9 00:01:19,137 --> 00:01:21,651 Of course, with my godsons it's more difficult. 10 00:01:21,737 --> 00:01:24,968 His mother has them all framed before she gives them to me. 11 00:01:25,457 --> 00:01:28,972 Ever since I made the mistake of saying he was a budding Michelangelo. 12 00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:33,891 Suppose I'll have to fish all them out again this week when they come round. 13 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:36,213 To avoid offence. 14 00:01:48,417 --> 00:01:51,773 If he asks me when I last had intercourse, I don't know what I'll do. 15 00:01:51,857 --> 00:01:53,734 I'll just have to lie. 16 00:01:54,817 --> 00:01:59,254 Well, I did recently spend the night with a man who pleasured my feet. 17 00:01:59,337 --> 00:02:02,613 But then it all got a bit awkward when he came up for air 18 00:02:02,697 --> 00:02:05,291 and found me writing a shopping list. 19 00:02:05,377 --> 00:02:08,016 So we both turned over and went to sleep. 20 00:02:08,937 --> 00:02:11,405 How to sound like a lunatic. 21 00:02:11,497 --> 00:02:15,046 Oh, for goodness sake! You're just here for some more Prozac. 22 00:02:15,137 --> 00:02:17,697 Why would he want to know when you had intercourse? 23 00:02:18,097 --> 00:02:19,974 Alice Chenery, room 4. 24 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,809 If he asks me, I'll have to lie. 25 00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:29,251 GIL: The sound of a blackbird. Just has to be right up there, doesn't it? 26 00:02:29,337 --> 00:02:31,453 As one of the reasons for living. 27 00:02:32,497 --> 00:02:34,328 Of course, that's just my opinion. 28 00:02:34,417 --> 00:02:37,853 The birdsong critic of the Sunday Times would probably find it 29 00:02:38,217 --> 00:02:41,812 ''mawkishly fluting and devoid of contemporary insight''. 30 00:02:42,737 --> 00:02:44,614 So what do I know? 31 00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:48,968 Well, I know I'm not going write anything funny standing here. 32 00:02:49,897 --> 00:02:53,572 You think if you come out first thing in the morning, it'll help clear your mind, 33 00:02:53,657 --> 00:02:57,809 you're going to start to free-associate and come up with some great new ideas but... 34 00:02:58,897 --> 00:03:02,128 I don't know, when you're at one with nature 35 00:03:02,217 --> 00:03:04,572 it's very hard to contemplate the folly of man. 36 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:34,454 Oh, now when did all this nonsense start? 37 00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:39,414 I have nothing against Charlotte. I don't know who Charlotte is, 38 00:03:39,497 --> 00:03:42,330 I hope she has a really great time, but this... 39 00:03:42,577 --> 00:03:44,807 is just noise pollution for the deaf. 40 00:03:45,497 --> 00:03:49,046 It's like today I'm going to walk around with my underpants on the outside. 41 00:03:49,177 --> 00:03:51,372 It's personal stuff, okay. 42 00:03:51,457 --> 00:03:54,255 You don't need to share it with the rest of the world. 43 00:04:00,617 --> 00:04:04,007 Now this I quite like, I think. 44 00:04:05,257 --> 00:04:08,533 Let's see, I wonder if I can get a meeting with Lloyd tomorrow. 45 00:04:22,297 --> 00:04:24,367 Hey! A little respect, okay. 46 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:46,570 See, she's fallen for the old frosted glass myth. 47 00:04:46,657 --> 00:04:49,729 You think no one can see anything from outside, but.... 48 00:04:55,457 --> 00:04:57,413 Did I dream that the other day? 49 00:04:57,497 --> 00:05:00,170 She'd put my face on that photo with her husband? 50 00:05:02,017 --> 00:05:05,646 Maybe just digital doodling of some kind. 51 00:05:06,377 --> 00:05:07,651 Possibly. 52 00:05:12,057 --> 00:05:15,572 For crying out loud! Will you come away from this window? 53 00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:22,249 You're going turn into one of those guys with the thick pebble glasses 54 00:05:22,337 --> 00:05:25,807 who stand at the bottom of escalators. It's disgusting. 55 00:05:28,657 --> 00:05:31,649 Oh, my God! How did she see me? That's unreal. 56 00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:40,327 So that's that, then. I'll have to sell my house and leave the country. 57 00:05:40,417 --> 00:05:42,169 A perfect start to the day. 58 00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:47,614 MAN: Could a member of the cleaning staff go to checkout 4 please? Checkout 4. 59 00:05:48,537 --> 00:05:50,255 Is that.... 60 00:05:50,897 --> 00:05:52,649 From the doctor's waiting room? 61 00:05:52,737 --> 00:05:56,127 Oh, God, it is as well. Oh, God! 62 00:05:57,577 --> 00:05:59,533 Come on, come on, hurry! 63 00:06:00,657 --> 00:06:03,012 Why did I pick them up? 64 00:06:03,097 --> 00:06:05,895 Because they got nothing smaller and you're right out. 65 00:06:05,977 --> 00:06:09,652 Yes, but what's he going to think? When you've just come from the doctor's? 66 00:06:12,417 --> 00:06:15,773 And what on earth possessed you to buy that mop? 67 00:06:17,057 --> 00:06:19,696 Perhaps with any luck he won't see me. 68 00:06:22,097 --> 00:06:25,692 Yes! And there goes the air freshener! 69 00:06:26,937 --> 00:06:30,009 Thank you so much for this. Please can I just die? 70 00:06:53,777 --> 00:06:55,768 You have no messages. 71 00:07:17,897 --> 00:07:20,570 Sorry, what am I looking at here? A message from your godson? 72 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:23,012 His name's Terry. Now you read that. 73 00:07:23,097 --> 00:07:25,053 ''Wishing you a happy birthday.'' 74 00:07:25,137 --> 00:07:28,129 -When was this? -Yesterday. Never mind, just read on. 75 00:07:28,217 --> 00:07:31,289 My God, you never said! Why on earth didn't you say something? 76 00:07:31,377 --> 00:07:34,847 That's the third year running. I'm now definitely going to write it in the diary. 77 00:07:34,937 --> 00:07:37,610 So what happened? Did you have a nice day? What did you do? 78 00:07:37,697 --> 00:07:41,292 Well, you know. Just took things easy. 79 00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:44,528 Sat in the park for a while, with the smell of the sweet peas, 80 00:07:44,617 --> 00:07:47,734 bit of reading, listened to the seagulls. 81 00:07:47,817 --> 00:07:49,853 Ali, that's so tragic. 82 00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:53,896 Why? Because I wasn't out till 3:30 in the morning getting legless? 83 00:07:53,977 --> 00:07:56,207 And didn't spend half the night with my head down the toilet? 84 00:07:56,297 --> 00:07:58,208 Now come on, look at this. 85 00:07:58,297 --> 00:08:01,289 I can't remember if he's just turned 1 2 or 1 3. 86 00:08:01,377 --> 00:08:04,369 But obviously loving his first mobile. And see what he's put. 87 00:08:04,457 --> 00:08:08,006 ''Went for a wamk on the hill today and thought of you.'' 88 00:08:08,097 --> 00:08:11,407 -Wamk? -W-A-M-K. 89 00:08:13,097 --> 00:08:16,533 -Well, it's a typo obviously. -Well, you say that. 90 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:21,126 -''Went for a walk'' it's meant to say. -I sincerely hope so. 91 00:08:21,217 --> 00:08:23,173 Ali, what else could it be? 92 00:08:25,817 --> 00:08:28,889 -Don't. -I haven't seen him for two years. 93 00:08:28,977 --> 00:08:32,526 You know what it's like, they hit puberty suddenly, it's like an explosion. 94 00:08:32,617 --> 00:08:34,687 Spots and hormones. 95 00:08:34,777 --> 00:08:37,007 Wondering now whether to say anything to his parents. 96 00:08:37,097 --> 00:08:39,213 She was my closest friend at school. 97 00:08:39,297 --> 00:08:42,130 In any case, it's not the worst thing he could write, is it? 98 00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:45,607 If someone was thinking about me while they were doing it, I'd be quite flattered. 99 00:08:45,697 --> 00:08:48,131 I'm his godmother, Cleo. 100 00:08:48,257 --> 00:08:51,932 I'm supposed to be responsible for his moral and religious upbringing. 101 00:08:52,017 --> 00:08:56,807 I mean, if I thought for a minute he was starting to think of me in that way at 1 3.... 102 00:08:59,337 --> 00:09:01,976 -Oh, it's obviously ''walk''. -Of course it is. 103 00:09:02,057 --> 00:09:04,173 Because he knows how much you like walking. 104 00:09:04,257 --> 00:09:08,933 And talking of doing it, I suppose you've heard nothing else from, what was his name, Clive? 105 00:09:09,017 --> 00:09:12,168 She's quite convinced now she's scared him off. 106 00:09:12,257 --> 00:09:14,612 I mean, I don't know, do I? 107 00:09:14,697 --> 00:09:18,929 He was nice enough in his way, but I just wonder if that's enough for me in a man. 108 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,212 That he can take five toes in his mouth. 109 00:09:22,017 --> 00:09:23,848 I suppose he was quite dishy. 110 00:09:23,937 --> 00:09:26,531 And you spent the night together. Must have seen some potential. 111 00:09:26,617 --> 00:09:30,656 Well, if he was still interested, he'd have rung by now, wouldn't he? So.... 112 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:33,410 Yeah, and what if he's sitting at home thinking the same thing? 113 00:09:33,497 --> 00:09:35,727 No one's going to ring anyone. 114 00:09:35,817 --> 00:09:39,093 -Let me give him a call. What was his number? -Will you put that down? 115 00:09:39,177 --> 00:09:43,728 Look, isn't it time you were out spraying? Jacquot Pour Homme? 116 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,968 And try and forget the association with diabetes mellitus 117 00:09:47,057 --> 00:09:49,696 and just concentrate on those targets. 118 00:09:50,617 --> 00:09:52,767 I might do it when you're not looking. 119 00:09:52,857 --> 00:09:54,768 Diabetes mellitus? 120 00:09:54,857 --> 00:09:58,611 Yeah, apparently it's one of the signs when you pass out too much sugar in your urine. 121 00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:01,848 It gives it a kind of sickly sweet citrus smell. 122 00:10:02,457 --> 00:10:05,893 God, isn't that funny how quickly you can go off something? 123 00:10:08,017 --> 00:10:10,372 -Excuse me. -Yes, how can I help? 124 00:10:10,497 --> 00:10:15,207 Someone bought this eau de toilette for my husband, but it's not really one he uses. 125 00:10:15,297 --> 00:10:17,333 I was wondering if I could have a refund. 126 00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,487 Yes, do you have the receipt at all? 127 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:23,092 -Well, obviously not. It was a present. -Right. 128 00:10:23,177 --> 00:10:28,012 I'm afraid we can't refund without proof of purchase, is the problem. 129 00:10:28,097 --> 00:10:32,534 It may not even have been bought here. And I notice the seal has been broken. 130 00:10:33,337 --> 00:10:37,967 I've never had any trouble here in the past. I thought this store had a no quibble policy. 131 00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,726 Who is in charge of this counter? 132 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,888 I'm afraid I am. 133 00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:48,451 I'll tell you what I'll do, I can let you have another product or products to the same value. 134 00:10:48,577 --> 00:10:53,412 In fact, we've just got a new fragrance in from Paris he might be interested in. 135 00:10:53,697 --> 00:10:55,289 It's quite bold. 136 00:10:55,937 --> 00:10:58,531 With a suggestion of oranges. 137 00:11:02,257 --> 00:11:05,408 Here he is, the thief of bad gags, Gil Raymond. How the devil are you? 138 00:11:05,497 --> 00:11:08,057 Yes, still ticking over. How about you? 139 00:11:08,137 --> 00:11:10,731 Got quite a little empire going here now by the looks of things. 140 00:11:10,817 --> 00:11:13,729 Brian, stop by when you've got a moment. We need to talk. 141 00:11:13,817 --> 00:11:16,092 Sorry to keep you, it's been one of those mornings. 142 00:11:16,177 --> 00:11:20,216 I've just taken on this new PA as part of our disability quota. 143 00:11:20,297 --> 00:11:23,687 Narcoleptic, but a canny little worker when she's awake. 144 00:11:23,777 --> 00:11:27,452 You got your travel sickness pills? We're on the 1 3th floor. 145 00:11:30,617 --> 00:11:32,528 Thirteenth floor. 146 00:11:32,617 --> 00:11:34,494 So, how far did you get with Gina? 147 00:11:34,977 --> 00:11:36,376 In what way? 148 00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:41,655 You know she's taken six months off to try and get pregnant. 149 00:11:41,737 --> 00:11:45,127 You're kidding! All my agent said was the project had been passed to you. 150 00:11:45,217 --> 00:11:49,415 Right. Of course, she's happily shacked up with this make-up girl as she probably told you. 151 00:11:49,497 --> 00:11:51,647 Make-up girl? No, she never said a word. 152 00:11:51,737 --> 00:11:55,093 The two of them are desperate to have kids so apparently they decided 153 00:11:55,177 --> 00:11:59,170 if she could find some guy who was happy to keep banging her till they got a result, 154 00:11:59,257 --> 00:12:02,090 no strings attached, she'd put some time aside. 155 00:12:02,177 --> 00:12:04,816 I think she said he was some kind of street performer. 156 00:12:04,897 --> 00:12:08,936 You're not serious? I mean, you know, we only met a couple of times. 157 00:12:09,017 --> 00:12:10,735 There was no suggestion, but.... 158 00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:13,934 Yeah, well, Gina, I tell you. That's between a rock and a hard place. 159 00:12:14,017 --> 00:12:17,327 And many men have been lured to their death. So just be glad you weren't tempted. 160 00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:19,169 Yeah, right. 161 00:12:21,297 --> 00:12:24,892 So, yeah. There you go. 162 00:12:25,937 --> 00:12:28,849 It's tragic, really. Someone of her age, but.... 163 00:12:29,217 --> 00:12:30,889 Sit yourself down. 164 00:12:32,337 --> 00:12:35,090 So how often does this.... 165 00:12:35,177 --> 00:12:37,327 Two or three times a day? On average. 166 00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:42,336 Yeah, she'll just be taking some dictation, whatever, and suddenly.... 167 00:12:43,377 --> 00:12:45,129 Interesting background actually. 168 00:12:45,217 --> 00:12:49,813 Her parents are very strict Catholics, which I always think, you know.... 169 00:12:51,017 --> 00:12:52,735 Well, you know the old gag? 170 00:12:52,817 --> 00:12:56,014 Only two things are certain in life, death and nurses. 171 00:12:56,097 --> 00:12:59,294 -With apologies to old...what's his face? -Benjamin Franklin. 172 00:12:59,377 --> 00:13:03,689 I would expand that to death, nurses and girls who went to convent school. 173 00:13:03,777 --> 00:13:07,008 'Cause, I mean, all those years of repressed sexuality 174 00:13:07,097 --> 00:13:09,850 it's got to be like a time bomb. 175 00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:14,372 -Yes, can we.... -Yes! Sorry, Love Soup. 176 00:13:14,457 --> 00:13:17,972 -You've had some thoughts? -Well, a concept at least. 177 00:13:18,057 --> 00:13:21,333 Basically, it would all be set in the not too distant future. 178 00:13:21,417 --> 00:13:24,693 Democracy and the whole judicial system have burnt out, 179 00:13:24,777 --> 00:13:26,893 and surrendering to the inevitable, 180 00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:29,571 the country's now governed by tabloid newspapers. 181 00:13:29,657 --> 00:13:33,366 -Okay. -And our story concerns two teenagers. 182 00:13:33,457 --> 00:13:36,733 Very much in love, respectable middle-class kids. 183 00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:39,934 He's 1 7, but she's still only 1 5 184 00:13:40,017 --> 00:13:44,488 and the two of them, obviously, are consumed with adolescent lust for each other. 185 00:13:44,577 --> 00:13:46,454 But as law-abiding citizens, 186 00:13:46,537 --> 00:13:50,450 realise they can't consummate their passion until she's reached the age of consent. 187 00:13:51,257 --> 00:13:54,966 So they're in a friend's house on the eve of her 1 6th birthday, 188 00:13:55,057 --> 00:13:57,173 waiting for the stroke of midnight, 189 00:13:57,297 --> 00:14:00,448 when all their carnal desires will become legal. 190 00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:08,208 Half an hour later they surface and to their horror 191 00:14:08,297 --> 00:14:12,336 realise it's the last Saturday in October, the night the clocks go back. 192 00:14:12,417 --> 00:14:14,328 And it's still only 1 1.:35 193 00:14:14,417 --> 00:14:18,569 which means the young man has just committed a most depraved and perverted act. 194 00:14:19,857 --> 00:14:23,850 He immediately gives himself up, throwing himself on the mercy of the authorities. 195 00:14:23,937 --> 00:14:28,374 But they are bound by their code of conduct to exact the maximum penalty. 196 00:14:43,657 --> 00:14:46,774 I mean, you know, that's about as far as I've blocked it, but.... 197 00:14:46,857 --> 00:14:51,055 Controversial. But no, that's nice, let's mix it up a bit. 198 00:14:51,137 --> 00:14:55,289 I don't say it'll be a shoo-in with the network, so, you know, don't make it too.... 199 00:14:55,377 --> 00:14:57,766 Didactic? I know. That's the risk, of course, but.... 200 00:14:59,417 --> 00:15:01,214 Oh, can I take this? 201 00:15:02,617 --> 00:15:03,811 Hello? 202 00:15:04,857 --> 00:15:09,692 Oh, Irene? Actually I'm in a meeting at the moment, but.... 203 00:15:12,017 --> 00:15:13,006 Uh-huh. 204 00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:17,649 No. I'll be in then. 205 00:15:18,257 --> 00:15:20,407 Okay. Right. Yeah, bye. 206 00:15:21,897 --> 00:15:22,966 Irene? 207 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,693 My next door neighbour. Yesterday morning.... 208 00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,532 Can you believe this? I'm in my office, 209 00:15:30,617 --> 00:15:34,166 she's right there opposite in the bathroom window completely naked. 210 00:15:34,577 --> 00:15:36,772 I mean, frosted glass, but.... 211 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:40,374 And I'm standing there gazing out like a moron. 212 00:15:40,457 --> 00:15:43,210 Suddenly she looks across and gives me the wave. 213 00:15:43,897 --> 00:15:46,331 I felt like such a creep. So.... 214 00:15:46,417 --> 00:15:50,729 And now she wants to pop around this evening. Said she'd like to have a quiet word with me. 215 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,854 What do you mean, gave you a wave? It sounds as if she was being friendly. 216 00:15:53,937 --> 00:15:55,256 She had no clothes on! 217 00:15:55,337 --> 00:15:58,488 You see, this is where life always passes you by, Gil. 218 00:15:58,577 --> 00:16:01,330 You never see the opportunities. You hang around too long 219 00:16:01,417 --> 00:16:04,853 trying to second-guess people's motives. You can talk yourself out of anything. 220 00:16:04,937 --> 00:16:06,928 Well, this time, Lloyd, I don't think so. 221 00:16:07,017 --> 00:16:10,248 This was like, ''Hey, there! Getting a nice look at the goods?'' 222 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,897 I tell you, my luck, she'll probably file a complaint. 223 00:16:12,977 --> 00:16:15,855 It'll be me that's named and shamed in the papers. 224 00:16:19,217 --> 00:16:20,491 Ooh! 225 00:16:20,577 --> 00:16:21,646 Gosh! 226 00:16:21,737 --> 00:16:25,776 -Er, sorry. -That's okay, sweetheart, you relax. 227 00:16:25,857 --> 00:16:27,575 Don't worry about it. 228 00:16:27,657 --> 00:16:28,976 This is Gil Raymond. 229 00:16:29,057 --> 00:16:32,447 One of our finest living comedy writers. Gill, Natalie Brown. 230 00:16:33,177 --> 00:16:35,486 -Hi. -How do you do? 231 00:16:37,057 --> 00:16:38,376 Erm.... 232 00:16:38,457 --> 00:16:41,813 Sorry. Do you mind if I just.... 233 00:16:43,897 --> 00:16:45,091 Two minutes. 234 00:16:51,017 --> 00:16:52,166 Oh! 235 00:16:52,257 --> 00:16:54,009 The complete first series of Friends! 236 00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:56,736 When did you sneak out and get this, you little rascals? 237 00:16:56,817 --> 00:16:58,808 I remember you said you'd never seen it. 238 00:16:58,897 --> 00:17:03,732 Yes! Well, I actually said I never watch it, which is almost the same thing. 239 00:17:03,817 --> 00:17:06,854 -But, no, thank you. -Happy birthday to Alice! 240 00:17:06,937 --> 00:17:08,814 Slightly belated. 241 00:17:09,817 --> 00:17:11,136 Thank you. 242 00:17:11,217 --> 00:17:14,892 So, come on then, what on earth's happening with you and this Clive bloke? 243 00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:17,326 Sounds to me as if you haven't even given it a chance. 244 00:17:17,417 --> 00:17:19,647 I'm not even sure how I feel about him. 245 00:17:19,737 --> 00:17:23,093 On the plus side, obviously, he's very sweet, good-looking, 246 00:17:23,177 --> 00:17:24,656 terribly charming. 247 00:17:24,737 --> 00:17:26,534 And the minus side? 248 00:17:26,617 --> 00:17:28,972 He's very sweet, good-looking and terribly charming. 249 00:17:29,057 --> 00:17:33,767 I mean, that does seem to be it. You know, the length and breadth of him sadly. 250 00:17:34,417 --> 00:17:37,773 Deep down I've just got this feeling he may be a bit of a bimbo. 251 00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:40,647 That's what I thought about Greg to begin with. 252 00:17:40,737 --> 00:17:44,013 Then you get to know him and there's actually quite a lot going on up there. 253 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:47,214 And I tell you this much, he's very creative in the bedroom. 254 00:17:47,297 --> 00:17:50,016 What? Maximising wardrobe space, that kind of thing? 255 00:17:50,097 --> 00:17:52,531 They do it to Elvis records. 256 00:17:52,617 --> 00:17:53,891 Say again? 257 00:17:53,977 --> 00:17:57,128 Fifties Revival, Ali. It's now the key to our love life. 258 00:17:57,217 --> 00:18:02,052 It's like, he makes up these special collections with different numbers on a CD. 259 00:18:02,137 --> 00:18:06,050 So we'll start off to a nice slow ballad, like Love Me Tender 260 00:18:06,137 --> 00:18:08,253 and then, as the numbers get a bit funkier, 261 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:11,374 -gradually up the tempo until.... -Rock 'n' roll. 262 00:18:13,577 --> 00:18:15,852 It's not all plain sailing, of course. 263 00:18:15,937 --> 00:18:18,929 He's been having a right go at me this week, about my shoes. 264 00:18:19,017 --> 00:18:21,577 But you know, any relationship, you have to work at it. 265 00:18:21,657 --> 00:18:23,568 'Cause how many pairs have you got now? 266 00:18:23,657 --> 00:18:26,046 Well, he says 86 is too many for anyone. 267 00:18:26,137 --> 00:18:29,493 It's like living with a centipede and that I should give some to charity. 268 00:18:29,577 --> 00:18:31,727 I said, ''Let me have a think about that.'' 269 00:18:31,817 --> 00:18:35,207 I'll have a word with my oracle first and see what she has to say on the subject. 270 00:18:35,297 --> 00:18:37,367 -Sorry, your what? -My oracle? 271 00:18:37,457 --> 00:18:40,972 She's got this little centre where you go for a consultation in the Finchley Road. 272 00:18:41,057 --> 00:18:43,412 What, you mean like a fortune-teller? 273 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:46,057 -Sort of. -With tea leaves and.... 274 00:18:47,097 --> 00:18:49,167 It's a bit more sophisticated than that. 275 00:18:49,257 --> 00:18:51,725 No, she mostly uses tarot cards. 276 00:18:51,817 --> 00:18:55,287 And what they call phrenology, which is where they feel the bumps on your head. 277 00:18:55,377 --> 00:18:59,689 Only, because I've got an abscess there at the moment it could give a false reading so.... 278 00:18:59,777 --> 00:19:03,406 Or sometimes she goes into, like, a trance, and talks backwards. 279 00:19:03,497 --> 00:19:07,695 I think I've heard of her. Isn't she some kind of adviser to the Treasury? 280 00:19:08,137 --> 00:19:12,972 The thing is, Gil, I don't know why I find this so difficult to say but... 281 00:19:13,057 --> 00:19:14,570 yesterday morning.... 282 00:19:14,657 --> 00:19:19,890 Maybe it's best if I say and just start with a great, big, grovelling apology, you know. 283 00:19:19,977 --> 00:19:24,448 I mean, for looking, Irene, not leering. 284 00:19:24,537 --> 00:19:27,495 I swear to God, you know, 'cause.... 285 00:19:27,577 --> 00:19:30,091 I'm sorry, Gil, you've completely lost me. 286 00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:33,888 In the bathroom yesterday? 287 00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:36,088 First thing, by the window? 288 00:19:36,177 --> 00:19:38,452 Of course, with the rippled glass and everything 289 00:19:38,537 --> 00:19:42,610 obviously we're talking about contour here only, definitely no detail. 290 00:19:42,697 --> 00:19:44,847 But you could see that I was.... 291 00:19:46,177 --> 00:19:49,692 'Cause I think you had some net curtains up there before, if I'm right. 292 00:19:49,777 --> 00:19:52,689 Yes. I thought they needed a wash. 293 00:19:54,657 --> 00:19:57,296 Anyway, that wasn't what I came to see you about. 294 00:19:57,377 --> 00:19:59,686 I was just going to say that... 295 00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:05,166 yesterday morning, I happened to run into an old friend of mine 296 00:20:05,257 --> 00:20:07,327 I haven't seen for ages and.... 297 00:20:07,417 --> 00:20:09,214 Well, to cut a long story short 298 00:20:09,297 --> 00:20:12,607 we decided to have a bit of a dinner party tomorrow night and.... 299 00:20:12,697 --> 00:20:15,655 I mean, for goodness sake, I can't think why you'd want to join us 300 00:20:15,737 --> 00:20:20,333 but it'll be the first time since Bob left that I've been involved in any kind of social.... 301 00:20:20,457 --> 00:20:21,936 -Intercourse? -Activity. 302 00:20:22,017 --> 00:20:25,976 And you know what it's like when you're there with everyone else, without a partner. 303 00:20:26,057 --> 00:20:30,414 Anyway, you'd be very welcome. And I know they'd all love to meet you, 304 00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:34,854 -but you've probably got something else on so.... -Well...actually.... 305 00:20:34,937 --> 00:20:38,134 And if you hadn't, I wouldn't blame you for inventing something. 306 00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:42,373 Tomorrow night? I'll look forward to it. 307 00:20:42,457 --> 00:20:45,529 MILLY: So you reckon I should go and see this oracle about Brian? 308 00:20:45,617 --> 00:20:47,972 CLEO: Definitely, babe. If it's still worrying you. 309 00:20:48,057 --> 00:20:52,414 -Brian. What's he been up to? -She thinks he might trying to pull her mum. 310 00:20:52,497 --> 00:20:56,126 God, it's always something with you two. Based on what? 311 00:20:56,217 --> 00:20:59,015 Based on every time we go round to see my parents, 312 00:20:59,097 --> 00:21:01,406 whereabouts does he always kiss her? 313 00:21:01,497 --> 00:21:03,886 -On the mouth. -So? 314 00:21:09,377 --> 00:21:12,335 ''Dear Harriet. I've noticed that when my husband greets other women 315 00:21:12,417 --> 00:21:14,772 ''he always kisses them on the lips rather than the cheeks. 316 00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:16,973 ''Is this something I should be worried about?'' 317 00:21:17,057 --> 00:21:21,050 Harriet writes, ''This is certainly not normal. 318 00:21:21,137 --> 00:21:23,526 ''Mouth-to-mouth contact invariably signals sexual desire 319 00:21:23,617 --> 00:21:25,926 ''and should be practised only with your partner. 320 00:21:26,017 --> 00:21:29,168 ''By the sound of things it might well be time to question your husband's motives.'' 321 00:21:29,257 --> 00:21:30,576 Please. 322 00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:34,047 She's 4 7, Ali. She's old enough to be his mother! 323 00:21:34,137 --> 00:21:35,775 Well, she's your mother. 324 00:21:35,857 --> 00:21:37,529 Exactly! 325 00:21:37,617 --> 00:21:39,608 I never thought anything of it before. 326 00:21:39,697 --> 00:21:42,291 I just thought he was being friendly till I read this. 327 00:21:42,377 --> 00:21:45,687 Some people kiss on the mouth and some on the cheeks, what does it matter? 328 00:21:45,777 --> 00:21:50,055 It doesn't automatically mean he wants to rip your mum's clothes off and pin her to the floor. 329 00:21:50,137 --> 00:21:53,209 Oh, don't! I can't even imagine my dad doing that. 330 00:21:53,297 --> 00:21:56,812 -It's of no significance whatsoever. -Well, why does she say it, then? 331 00:21:56,897 --> 00:22:01,812 Because she's an idiot. How dare she sit there Judging people she hasn't even met? 332 00:22:01,897 --> 00:22:05,128 Look at her. Grinning at the camera with her chin in her hand. 333 00:22:05,217 --> 00:22:09,574 Any woman, I'm sorry, who poses for a photo with her chin in her hand is a phoney. 334 00:22:09,657 --> 00:22:12,455 Do you reckon? I'm just being stupid? 335 00:22:12,577 --> 00:22:17,128 Come on, you're not going to find the most sensible advice, are you, on a page like this? 336 00:22:17,217 --> 00:22:20,175 -What's your horoscope say? -Oh, that's a point. 337 00:22:20,257 --> 00:22:24,967 Horoscopes, oracles, agony aunts. Going to have to leave you to it, I think, 338 00:22:25,057 --> 00:22:26,968 if I want to get back tonight. 339 00:22:27,057 --> 00:22:29,491 God knows what I'll do tomorrow with this rail strike. 340 00:22:29,577 --> 00:22:31,613 What time does it start? 1 :00? 341 00:22:31,697 --> 00:22:33,767 I suppose there's always the dreaded coach service. 342 00:22:33,857 --> 00:22:37,213 Well, why don't you stay in town, Ali? For once in your life. 343 00:22:37,297 --> 00:22:39,174 I can always put you up. 344 00:22:39,257 --> 00:22:40,815 Oh, well. 345 00:22:42,457 --> 00:22:46,166 -Actually, would you mind? -No, no problem. Just bring a toothbrush. 346 00:22:46,257 --> 00:22:47,451 Okay. 347 00:22:47,537 --> 00:22:51,246 Well, see you all, folks, then. And thank you. 348 00:22:51,337 --> 00:22:53,646 Oh, don't forget your Friends! 349 00:22:53,737 --> 00:22:55,614 Whoops-a-daisy! 350 00:22:55,697 --> 00:22:58,165 -Okay, then, bye. -Bye. 351 00:23:00,017 --> 00:23:01,928 What you thinking? 352 00:23:02,017 --> 00:23:04,736 Thinking what she needs is a damn good.... 353 00:23:04,817 --> 00:23:06,569 -Nudge? -Definitely. 354 00:23:10,137 --> 00:23:13,686 Well, why don't you ask her as I seem to be second choice at the moment? 355 00:23:13,777 --> 00:23:15,210 No, I can't! 356 00:23:15,297 --> 00:23:18,528 Anyway I'm back at work now so.... Well, tough! 357 00:23:19,777 --> 00:23:21,813 Oh, don't tell me. 358 00:23:21,897 --> 00:23:23,774 He's been kissing your mother on the mouth again? 359 00:23:23,857 --> 00:23:26,815 -You said that didn't mean anything. -No, absolutely not. 360 00:23:26,897 --> 00:23:28,569 So what's this about, then? 361 00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:31,615 You'll just think I'm being totally moronic, as usual. 362 00:23:31,697 --> 00:23:34,689 Don't be silly. What's happened? 363 00:23:34,777 --> 00:23:36,893 You know I said he's just got this BMW? 364 00:23:36,977 --> 00:23:40,731 Second-hand but it's got this navigation thing where you programme in 365 00:23:40,817 --> 00:23:43,377 where you want to go and this woman's voice comes on 366 00:23:43,457 --> 00:23:47,006 giving all the directions, where to turn right, or whatever. 367 00:23:47,977 --> 00:23:51,652 Well, why did they have to make her so posh for a start? 368 00:23:51,737 --> 00:23:55,889 'Cause you know what guys are like with that Joanna Lumley type. All deep and husky. 369 00:23:56,377 --> 00:24:00,086 Or they could easily have made it a man's voice. Instead of which... 370 00:24:01,097 --> 00:24:04,692 making me seem like a right old bit of tat by comparison. 371 00:24:07,297 --> 00:24:09,492 You see? I knew you wouldn't understand. 372 00:24:10,817 --> 00:24:11,806 Hello! 373 00:24:13,257 --> 00:24:15,009 I'm sorry. Who's calling? 374 00:24:15,337 --> 00:24:16,531 Erm.... 375 00:24:16,617 --> 00:24:19,814 -Excuse me. -I know, I know! Sorry. 376 00:24:19,897 --> 00:24:21,853 I had to get this asparagus for Greg's tea 377 00:24:21,937 --> 00:24:24,007 and there was a queue a mile long in Marks and Spencer. 378 00:24:24,097 --> 00:24:27,567 Well, you should give yourself more time in the first place. You didn't go out.... 379 00:24:28,617 --> 00:24:29,891 Pardon? 380 00:24:30,017 --> 00:24:33,976 He'll probably be watching me down in the office. On the security cameras. 381 00:24:37,057 --> 00:24:41,130 Someone called Larry for you. Voice seems very faint, I can't make it out. 382 00:24:41,497 --> 00:24:43,408 Larry Shytus? 383 00:24:44,017 --> 00:24:45,973 I don't know anyone called Larry. 384 00:24:46,057 --> 00:24:47,206 Oh. 385 00:24:47,297 --> 00:24:48,616 Oh. Ah.... 386 00:24:48,697 --> 00:24:51,370 Now, don't freak out or anything 387 00:24:51,457 --> 00:24:53,891 but I took the liberty of ringing him up for you. 388 00:24:53,977 --> 00:24:55,171 Clive. 389 00:24:55,257 --> 00:24:58,852 I said you were quite keen to see him again, but were a bit nervous about getting in touch. 390 00:24:58,937 --> 00:25:00,211 You what? 391 00:25:00,297 --> 00:25:04,688 And he said he would have called but he's got this very bad laryngitis, okay? 392 00:25:04,817 --> 00:25:06,694 But he did want to meet up again 393 00:25:06,777 --> 00:25:09,655 so I said how would tonight be as you were staying in town anyway. 394 00:25:09,737 --> 00:25:11,056 Cleo! 395 00:25:11,137 --> 00:25:15,289 You are completely and totally out of order! How could you.... He said that? 396 00:25:16,017 --> 00:25:18,326 -He wanted to meet up? -Oh, God. 397 00:25:18,417 --> 00:25:22,126 You know what it said in your stars? For those with a birthday this week? 398 00:25:22,217 --> 00:25:25,254 Your celestial bodies are uniquely aligned. 399 00:25:25,337 --> 00:25:27,726 That means this could be the one moment in your life 400 00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:32,095 that'll never come round again when you get to meet your perfect partner. 401 00:25:32,177 --> 00:25:33,895 You've got to go for it. 402 00:25:42,337 --> 00:25:43,531 Hello? Clive? 403 00:25:46,697 --> 00:25:50,372 -WOMAN: Oh, God! Slime. -Excuse me while I puke. 404 00:25:50,457 --> 00:25:53,449 -I mean, I'm sorry, so sordid. -The lies and deception. 405 00:25:53,537 --> 00:25:56,529 I mean, if it hadn't been for Gil, who happened to make that comment 406 00:25:56,617 --> 00:25:59,689 that caught him out, he'd probably still be at it behind my back. 407 00:25:59,777 --> 00:26:02,450 Three times a week? God, it turns your stomach. 408 00:26:02,537 --> 00:26:05,335 I don't know if it's worse when they pay for it or when they do it for love? 409 00:26:05,417 --> 00:26:08,773 -He's paid for it now, the little shit. -Well, he certainly has. 410 00:26:08,857 --> 00:26:12,611 Er, you know, I'm wondering if you ladies would be happier if I just.... 411 00:26:12,697 --> 00:26:16,212 Oh, God, Gil, I'm sorry! We must seem like a real bunch of men-haters. 412 00:26:16,297 --> 00:26:20,051 It's just that with all of us now coming from broken marriages.... 413 00:26:20,137 --> 00:26:23,129 I don't think we've ever actually compared notes to this extent, have we? 414 00:26:23,217 --> 00:26:24,855 Welcome to The Witches of Eastwick! 415 00:26:24,937 --> 00:26:28,293 -Are we making you feel uncomfortable? -He's a big boy. Stop worrying. 416 00:26:28,377 --> 00:26:32,689 No, we should talk about something else. I think, don't you, Sally? Change the subject. 417 00:26:32,777 --> 00:26:35,245 Otherwise it's not fair on the poor young man. 418 00:26:35,337 --> 00:26:38,135 -Oh, no. -Very true. Where are our manners? 419 00:26:41,457 --> 00:26:44,494 Like it wasn't fair when I came home early that day with a migraine 420 00:26:44,577 --> 00:26:46,727 and found it there, on the floor of the lounge. 421 00:26:46,817 --> 00:26:49,251 This monstrosity of naked, throbbing flesh. 422 00:26:49,337 --> 00:26:51,805 I couldn't tell where one of them finished and the other one started. 423 00:26:51,897 --> 00:26:55,287 Like in some of those gruesome figure studies by Francis Bacon. 424 00:26:55,377 --> 00:26:57,129 Twenty-seven! Can you believe? 425 00:26:57,217 --> 00:26:59,094 He was only six years away from his bus pass. 426 00:26:59,177 --> 00:27:02,647 I mean, the contempt they show for your feelings is just beyond belief. 427 00:27:11,657 --> 00:27:13,932 And as for the lovely Ronald... 428 00:27:14,897 --> 00:27:17,331 did he ever understand what I was going through at the time? 429 00:27:17,417 --> 00:27:19,647 Trying to keep my own business afloat, virtually single-handed, 430 00:27:19,737 --> 00:27:22,774 while he was out playing golf with his buddies from Cambridge. 431 00:27:22,857 --> 00:27:25,894 He had no idea what was going on in my head. 432 00:27:25,977 --> 00:27:30,334 The pressures I was under, the stew of hormones I had to contend with. 433 00:27:30,817 --> 00:27:35,288 Well, of course, the arguments got worse and worse. Inevitably, I ended up beating him. 434 00:27:35,377 --> 00:27:37,015 Black and blue. 435 00:27:37,097 --> 00:27:40,612 It was a cry for help. I was hitting the bottle every night, 436 00:27:40,737 --> 00:27:44,696 screwing other men, he turned me into a monster! 437 00:27:44,777 --> 00:27:49,646 I mean, you just wonder how we all put up with this kind of treatment for so long. 438 00:27:52,617 --> 00:27:54,369 I'll just go and see to the pasta. 439 00:28:36,097 --> 00:28:37,576 Hi, Clive. 440 00:28:42,337 --> 00:28:44,328 That went a bit skew-wiff. 441 00:28:44,817 --> 00:28:47,411 Been so much debate this week on the counter... 442 00:28:48,457 --> 00:28:51,733 about lip kissing and face kissing, and what it all means. 443 00:28:52,737 --> 00:28:55,615 -Thank you. 444 00:28:56,457 --> 00:28:59,017 Oh, dear, not much improvement, then? 445 00:29:02,897 --> 00:29:04,330 Erm.... 446 00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:18,208 Not brilliant, but.... 447 00:29:19,137 --> 00:29:21,253 -Here's the menu. -Thank you. 448 00:29:40,897 --> 00:29:43,411 Oh, God! No, no. I'm sorry. 449 00:29:44,057 --> 00:29:47,572 Anyway, you couldn't really, could you? So, I mean.... 450 00:29:52,297 --> 00:29:53,525 Ah! 451 00:29:54,897 --> 00:29:56,888 And I did. Very much. 452 00:29:58,377 --> 00:30:01,767 The only reason, I suppose, I haven't been in touch was because.... 453 00:30:03,097 --> 00:30:05,292 I don't know, I'm terrible like that. 454 00:30:05,377 --> 00:30:08,050 You know, if you don't hear from someone, you just... 455 00:30:08,137 --> 00:30:10,526 automatically assume, I mean, I always do... 456 00:30:11,217 --> 00:30:14,209 that I'm a complete dead loss. 457 00:30:23,617 --> 00:30:24,811 Oh! 458 00:30:25,417 --> 00:30:27,692 Well, that's very sweet of you. 459 00:30:59,417 --> 00:31:02,648 Well...I wouldn't say that. 460 00:31:42,697 --> 00:31:45,894 GIL: You see, you should never have come here tonight. 461 00:31:46,897 --> 00:31:49,775 Why do you let people talk you into these things? 462 00:31:50,657 --> 00:31:53,217 If you could only be strong enough to just... 463 00:31:53,297 --> 00:31:56,255 make up your own mind now and again. 464 00:31:56,937 --> 00:31:59,815 No, I'll stand corrected if I'm wrong... 465 00:31:59,897 --> 00:32:03,207 I just thought I detected a little something back there, that's all. 466 00:32:03,537 --> 00:32:06,370 -A little frisson? -Come on, Sally! You're imagining it. 467 00:32:06,457 --> 00:32:09,130 No, I mean, a wife assaulting her husband? 468 00:32:09,217 --> 00:32:13,210 Be just the sort of thing, wouldn't it, that would go into one of your scripts? 469 00:32:13,297 --> 00:32:15,731 Good bit of comic mileage there, I imagine. 470 00:32:15,817 --> 00:32:17,330 Personally, I.... 471 00:32:18,017 --> 00:32:21,726 You know, domestic violence, I think, is a very sensitive issue, 472 00:32:21,817 --> 00:32:25,014 in whatever form, so therefore not generally very funny. 473 00:32:25,097 --> 00:32:28,009 -Hear, hear! -SALLY: Well, I'm glad we're agreed on that. 474 00:32:28,097 --> 00:32:30,816 Because the number of times these days you see serious issues 475 00:32:30,897 --> 00:32:32,933 reduced to knockabout farce on the box. 476 00:32:33,017 --> 00:32:35,372 What happened to a little wit, for God's sake? 477 00:32:35,457 --> 00:32:37,971 Some of those sitcoms they put out nowadays, 478 00:32:38,057 --> 00:32:40,446 you wonder if standards can sink any lower. 479 00:32:40,537 --> 00:32:42,175 Well, that's certainly true. 480 00:32:42,257 --> 00:32:46,011 What was that one where a woman kept talking about her pussy all the while? 481 00:32:46,097 --> 00:32:48,167 Did you have anything to do with that? 482 00:32:48,257 --> 00:32:50,851 I can say with enormous pride that I didn't, no. 483 00:32:50,937 --> 00:32:52,973 You see, that I found quite funny. 484 00:32:53,057 --> 00:32:56,970 Well, it had an innocence to it, for a start, that I think everyone could relate to. 485 00:32:57,057 --> 00:32:59,855 Sort of commedia dell'arte via Donald McGill. 486 00:32:59,977 --> 00:33:03,174 Yes, I actually heard an American say once what they liked about the show was that 487 00:33:03,257 --> 00:33:05,248 it didn't insult your intelligence. 488 00:33:05,337 --> 00:33:08,135 But, I mean, you put a lot of thought into what you write. 489 00:33:08,217 --> 00:33:11,175 What was that script you were telling me all about yesterday? 490 00:33:11,257 --> 00:33:15,296 This man, who is trying to get a 1 5-year-old girl into bed, 491 00:33:15,377 --> 00:33:17,368 before midnight, was it? 492 00:33:17,457 --> 00:33:21,291 Because she was underage, or after midnight? Sorry, that was.... 493 00:33:21,377 --> 00:33:24,972 Yes, well, there's actually kind of a broader concept to it beyond that 494 00:33:25,057 --> 00:33:26,854 about the way our lives are governed. 495 00:33:26,937 --> 00:33:29,531 It must be very tempting, I suppose, for male writers 496 00:33:29,617 --> 00:33:32,290 to put all their private fantasies into their shows. 497 00:33:32,377 --> 00:33:35,847 Anything that secretly turns you on, you just dress it up as a joke 498 00:33:35,937 --> 00:33:38,610 and the BBC'll go away and make it for you. 499 00:33:38,697 --> 00:33:42,133 Well, yeah, what a professional perk that would be. 500 00:33:42,217 --> 00:33:44,970 But happily, for all of us, it doesn't quite work that way. 501 00:33:45,057 --> 00:33:48,970 So many of the producers and commissioning editors out there now are women.... 502 00:33:49,057 --> 00:33:51,617 Come on, Sally, credit him with a bit of integrity. 503 00:33:51,697 --> 00:33:54,336 You make him sound like some kind of voyeur. 504 00:34:55,177 --> 00:34:57,452 Oh, God, Ali. 505 00:34:57,537 --> 00:35:00,847 I don't know what to say. You must feel awful. 506 00:35:01,617 --> 00:35:03,767 Why should I feel awful? 507 00:35:03,857 --> 00:35:07,088 Can someone explain that to me, please, because it makes no sense. 508 00:35:07,657 --> 00:35:12,014 I'm sitting there looking at him thinking, ''You're right. We have nothing in common.'' 509 00:35:12,377 --> 00:35:15,892 So why do I feel as if all my insides have been scooped out? 510 00:35:15,977 --> 00:35:19,970 Because, I suppose, whichever way you look at it, you've been dumped. 511 00:35:20,857 --> 00:35:22,256 Thank you. 512 00:35:22,337 --> 00:35:24,692 But in the nicest way. From what you're saying. 513 00:35:24,777 --> 00:35:28,167 But I didn't want it to be nice. How am I supposed to cope with ''nice''? 514 00:35:28,257 --> 00:35:30,691 In fact, I'll show you how nice he was. 515 00:35:30,777 --> 00:35:32,096 Look. 516 00:35:33,537 --> 00:35:36,768 He asked me if I wanted to keep the transcripts of his conversation. 517 00:35:36,857 --> 00:35:38,893 As something to remember him by. 518 00:35:39,937 --> 00:35:44,089 He's even signed the last page with a little smiley face underneath, bless him. 519 00:35:44,177 --> 00:35:45,496 Sod him. 520 00:35:46,297 --> 00:35:47,810 Yeah, sod him. 521 00:35:48,737 --> 00:35:50,967 The thing is, I don't know, 522 00:35:51,057 --> 00:35:55,130 I came out of that restaurant tonight feeling so sorry for myself and then... 523 00:35:55,217 --> 00:35:59,847 you walk 1 00 yards down the road and you realise you don't know what real misery is so.... 524 00:36:02,817 --> 00:36:05,047 Ready for a bit of shuteye now, I think, Cleo. 525 00:36:05,137 --> 00:36:07,446 Well, the bed's all made up and ready for you. 526 00:36:07,537 --> 00:36:10,688 But there's no rush. If you want to just sit and talk.... 527 00:36:11,377 --> 00:36:14,813 I get the feeling I might be keeping you up. 528 00:36:15,657 --> 00:36:17,693 That's no sweat, Ali. 529 00:36:17,777 --> 00:36:21,656 And don't worry on that score. We're not going to disturb you, I promise. 530 00:36:21,737 --> 00:36:25,650 Of course, I forgot, yes. With your Elvis numbers. 531 00:36:25,737 --> 00:36:27,136 That's right. 532 00:36:27,217 --> 00:36:31,529 No, 'cause, actually, Greg's come up with this really nifty little idea. 533 00:36:33,977 --> 00:36:38,175 -That is utterly insane, Cleo. -Well, of course it is! 534 00:36:38,697 --> 00:36:41,848 But, you know, we just want you to get a good night's sleep. 535 00:37:03,617 --> 00:37:05,608 You're still in one piece? 536 00:37:05,697 --> 00:37:08,848 -What, the linguine? 537 00:37:08,937 --> 00:37:10,609 No, no, I thought you.... 538 00:37:10,697 --> 00:37:13,211 Well, yes, because.... No. 539 00:37:13,817 --> 00:37:16,331 I did rather land you in it tonight, didn't I? 540 00:37:19,817 --> 00:37:21,296 You know... 541 00:37:21,377 --> 00:37:24,050 I think we all got our wires a bit crossed 542 00:37:24,137 --> 00:37:27,812 because right up to the last minute, I just assumed they'd be bringing partners 543 00:37:27,897 --> 00:37:31,685 and by the time I found out, obviously having invited you round.... 544 00:37:34,617 --> 00:37:37,177 You know, I'm sorry about Sally. 545 00:37:37,257 --> 00:37:38,770 I don't even know her that well. 546 00:37:38,857 --> 00:37:41,371 She's a...character. 547 00:37:41,457 --> 00:37:44,494 God, she went for you, which really wasn't fair. 548 00:37:44,577 --> 00:37:45,976 Well.... 549 00:37:48,937 --> 00:37:50,416 Oh, I... 550 00:37:51,297 --> 00:37:52,810 put those curtains back up. 551 00:37:52,897 --> 00:37:54,046 In the.... 552 00:37:54,777 --> 00:37:57,291 -No offence or anything. -Oh, good, good. 553 00:37:58,297 --> 00:38:00,288 Long as I'm forgiven, anyway. 554 00:38:00,377 --> 00:38:02,447 Of course. Hey. 555 00:38:03,897 --> 00:38:05,569 Well... 556 00:38:05,657 --> 00:38:07,648 I'll let you get some sleep. 557 00:38:12,537 --> 00:38:15,449 -Good night. -Yes. Good night, Irene. 558 00:39:44,657 --> 00:39:45,692 Hello? 559 00:39:45,777 --> 00:39:48,371 WOMAN: Was I a complete cow to you tonight at Irene's? 560 00:39:48,457 --> 00:39:50,368 Oh, I was, wasn't I? 561 00:39:50,457 --> 00:39:52,334 Er, sorry, who is this? 562 00:39:52,417 --> 00:39:56,205 Which I can't even blame on the wine. I only had two glasses. 563 00:39:57,497 --> 00:39:58,930 Sally? 564 00:39:59,017 --> 00:40:01,326 Er, no, don't worry about it. 565 00:40:01,417 --> 00:40:04,170 You see, the thing with me, Gil, it's all insecurity. 566 00:40:04,257 --> 00:40:07,294 Because of that awful time I went through. I told you about it. 567 00:40:07,377 --> 00:40:10,972 I still find it hard to take the blame for my own stupidity. 568 00:40:11,057 --> 00:40:14,891 And then I get all defensive and hung-up on gender issues. 569 00:40:14,977 --> 00:40:17,172 End up making phone calls like this. 570 00:40:17,257 --> 00:40:21,170 So, you know, I just wanted to apologise. 571 00:40:21,617 --> 00:40:25,246 -No, listen, it was just.... -I think I owe you lunch. 572 00:40:25,377 --> 00:40:27,891 At the very least. What do you say? 573 00:40:27,977 --> 00:40:30,571 Take away the nasty taste. 574 00:40:30,657 --> 00:40:32,409 Erm.... 575 00:40:32,497 --> 00:40:36,285 See? Oh, God, you're going to turn me down, I can hear it in your voice. 576 00:40:36,377 --> 00:40:38,413 Make me feel dreadful. 577 00:40:38,497 --> 00:40:41,136 Come on, let me cook for you. How about tomorrow? 578 00:40:41,217 --> 00:40:42,366 Erm.... 579 00:40:42,457 --> 00:40:45,369 Tomorrow, I think I'm free. 580 00:40:46,417 --> 00:40:47,850 Why not? 581 00:40:50,857 --> 00:40:54,133 ALICE: How do other people run their lives so efficiently? 582 00:40:56,297 --> 00:40:58,652 Just doing the things they know are right for them. 583 00:40:58,737 --> 00:41:02,207 Being able to say no when it matters. It's such a gift. 584 00:41:05,897 --> 00:41:08,809 Now, hang on, I know this, as well as anything. 585 00:41:09,977 --> 00:41:11,535 I think.... 586 00:41:19,377 --> 00:41:22,210 Is it Jailhouse Rock? 587 00:41:25,897 --> 00:41:30,175 I mean, you knew full well that was never going to go anywhere tonight, you knew. 588 00:41:30,257 --> 00:41:33,249 Or are you just saying that now after the event? 589 00:41:34,897 --> 00:41:38,128 Oh, this is a tricky one, what is that? 590 00:41:39,697 --> 00:41:43,849 This is turning into one of those strange music rounds on University Challenge. 591 00:41:44,337 --> 00:41:47,090 It's not Return to Sender, we've had that. 592 00:41:51,177 --> 00:41:55,375 Oh, oh! Viva Las Vegas. Got it. 593 00:41:55,457 --> 00:41:56,856 Hooray. 594 00:41:58,977 --> 00:42:01,491 Oh, God, I wish I was at home. 595 00:42:06,377 --> 00:42:08,971 So did you ever find out any more, I meant to ask you, 596 00:42:09,057 --> 00:42:11,207 about that text message from your godson? 597 00:42:11,297 --> 00:42:16,132 Oh, I think I managed to convince myself it was all perfectly innocent. 598 00:42:16,777 --> 00:42:19,814 Reminds me, they're coming round for lunch on Sunday. 599 00:42:19,897 --> 00:42:24,015 -I need to get some food in. -I'm sorry that other was such a washout. 600 00:42:24,097 --> 00:42:26,611 I hope you got a decent night's sleep in at least. 601 00:42:26,737 --> 00:42:31,765 Yes, I think I managed to nod off somewhere around Blue Suede Shoes. 602 00:42:33,297 --> 00:42:36,448 Talking of which, I see what he means about your collection. 603 00:42:36,537 --> 00:42:39,335 Oh, don't. I've made the big decision now. 604 00:42:39,417 --> 00:42:42,056 This weekend half of them are going to the Oxfam shop. 605 00:42:42,137 --> 00:42:46,210 I said, ''But don't expect me to pick which ones.'' That's like Sophie's Choice. 606 00:42:46,297 --> 00:42:48,367 I don't even want to be there when he does it. 607 00:42:48,457 --> 00:42:51,688 But don't worry, it'll give you a nice warm glow inside afterwards. 608 00:42:51,777 --> 00:42:53,130 It'd better. 609 00:42:54,937 --> 00:42:59,453 I mean, it's strange sometimes when you look back on a period in your life. 610 00:42:59,537 --> 00:43:03,496 You can't believe it was you doing all those things, but there we are. 611 00:43:03,577 --> 00:43:08,093 Bit of detox, a lot of counselling. I had to work at it. 612 00:43:08,297 --> 00:43:10,731 But then you do, don't you, if you want to reap the rewards in life? 613 00:43:10,817 --> 00:43:12,170 -Cheers. -Cheers. 614 00:43:17,377 --> 00:43:21,290 So, what kind of business were you in exactly when.... 615 00:43:21,377 --> 00:43:23,129 I ran a nursing agency. 616 00:43:23,217 --> 00:43:27,369 Well, home care, support for the elderly, terminally ill. 617 00:43:27,457 --> 00:43:30,608 I worked as a nurse myself for 1 2 years but.... 618 00:43:32,217 --> 00:43:36,210 A lot of pressure for very little gain, I'm afraid. 619 00:43:36,297 --> 00:43:39,289 -It got too much for me. -You were a nurse? 620 00:43:39,377 --> 00:43:43,814 Yes, look deep, it's in there. A spark of humanity. 621 00:43:48,897 --> 00:43:51,616 No, I mean, it's all very well living on your own 622 00:43:51,697 --> 00:43:54,814 on the proceeds of a generous divorce settlement but... 623 00:43:56,897 --> 00:43:58,455 it's not enough, is it? 624 00:43:59,457 --> 00:44:02,051 -Isn't it? -Not for me, it isn't. 625 00:44:03,137 --> 00:44:07,449 The days and nights can get very empty if you're not careful. 626 00:44:08,577 --> 00:44:12,775 The nights especially, if you're at a loose end. 627 00:44:16,217 --> 00:44:20,256 You may think I had an ulterior motive inviting you here today. 628 00:44:21,617 --> 00:44:23,255 And you'd be right. 629 00:44:31,537 --> 00:44:33,129 What's this? 630 00:44:33,217 --> 00:44:35,572 I've shown it to two of the women in my Pilates class 631 00:44:35,657 --> 00:44:39,013 and they both think it's hilarious. But written with wit and intelligence. 632 00:44:39,097 --> 00:44:42,294 Wow. So you've been busy on the laptop? 633 00:44:42,377 --> 00:44:45,687 -For an old witch. -Used the spell check, obviously. 634 00:44:46,377 --> 00:44:50,529 With your contacts, I thought you might be able to place it for me with a TV company. 635 00:44:50,657 --> 00:44:55,128 It's basically an Alan Bennett-type treatment of a single woman facing the menopause. 636 00:44:57,057 --> 00:44:59,525 Final draft. That's impressive. 637 00:44:59,617 --> 00:45:02,450 -Obviously, I don't expect you to read it now. -No. 638 00:45:02,537 --> 00:45:04,573 You can wait till after we've eaten. 639 00:45:04,657 --> 00:45:08,935 Glass of wine, put your feet up and I'll await your verdict. 640 00:45:09,697 --> 00:45:11,608 MILLY: I'm not speaking to you anymore. 641 00:45:11,697 --> 00:45:14,575 You know full well why. Just listen to this, Ali.. 642 00:45:14,657 --> 00:45:20,129 WOMAN'S SEXY VOICE: At the roundabout take the first exit. Then continue straight on. 643 00:45:20,217 --> 00:45:22,208 BRIAN: Milly, are you still there? 644 00:45:22,297 --> 00:45:24,447 WOMAN'S VOICE: You are deviating from the designated route. 645 00:45:24,537 --> 00:45:27,688 -BRIAN: I can hardly hear you. -If possible do a U-turn. 646 00:45:27,777 --> 00:45:30,166 BRIAN: Milly, what the hell is this all about? 647 00:45:30,257 --> 00:45:33,727 WOMAN'S VOICE: If possible, do a U-turn. You are deviating.... 648 00:45:33,897 --> 00:45:35,808 Oh, God! You see what I'm saying? 649 00:45:35,897 --> 00:45:38,730 You are not telling me he had both hands on that steering wheel! 650 00:45:38,817 --> 00:45:41,854 Milly, can we just pause for breath here a second? 651 00:45:41,937 --> 00:45:44,770 Two nights ago you were convinced he was after your mum. 652 00:45:44,857 --> 00:45:48,691 Now he's having unnatural relations with a satellite navigation system? 653 00:45:49,897 --> 00:45:53,526 -I've got very bad PMT. -And I sympathise. 654 00:45:53,617 --> 00:45:55,812 But just try and be sensible. 655 00:45:57,017 --> 00:45:59,008 That's never him! 656 00:45:59,097 --> 00:46:01,816 -ALICE: My God, it is as well. -What? 657 00:46:01,897 --> 00:46:03,615 ALICE: That bloke. 658 00:46:03,697 --> 00:46:06,848 Last night, I'd stake my life on it, he was sitting in a doorway 659 00:46:06,937 --> 00:46:09,007 pretending to be a homeless person. 660 00:46:09,817 --> 00:46:11,375 I gave him five pounds. 661 00:46:11,737 --> 00:46:14,410 When you say the humour could be a bit stronger, 662 00:46:14,497 --> 00:46:16,886 which lines in particular are we talking about? 663 00:46:18,017 --> 00:46:21,009 Well, it's not a question of lines. 664 00:46:21,097 --> 00:46:24,294 It's not something you can label, you know, or quantify, it's... 665 00:46:25,297 --> 00:46:26,935 there or it isn't. 666 00:46:27,017 --> 00:46:30,612 Look, I'm the worst person in the world for judging other people's material. 667 00:46:30,697 --> 00:46:35,407 I have enough trouble with my own, it's just...you pressed me for an honest reaction. 668 00:46:35,817 --> 00:46:38,411 I think I see what you're saying here. 669 00:46:40,057 --> 00:46:42,696 If Alan Bennett had written it... 670 00:46:42,777 --> 00:46:46,008 basically, it would be from a cosy, middle-class, male perspective 671 00:46:46,097 --> 00:46:49,726 whereas this is too dangerous, challenging and feminist for you. 672 00:46:49,817 --> 00:46:54,288 No, I'm saying if Alan Bennett had written it, it would be funny. 673 00:46:55,857 --> 00:46:58,655 -I think it's time you left. -I tend to agree. 674 00:47:01,097 --> 00:47:02,371 Yes? Hello. 675 00:47:03,337 --> 00:47:04,770 Oh, hello. Can I help? 676 00:47:04,857 --> 00:47:06,609 You probably don't remember me. 677 00:47:06,697 --> 00:47:09,291 You sold me an eau de toilette for my husband 678 00:47:09,377 --> 00:47:12,653 which, I'm afraid, wasn't at all suitable for his skin. 679 00:47:12,737 --> 00:47:14,568 It caused the most terrible flare-up. 680 00:47:14,657 --> 00:47:18,570 You say you don't test these things on animals. Do you actually test them at all? 681 00:47:18,657 --> 00:47:22,013 Personally, I don't. No. But I do remember you, madam. 682 00:47:22,097 --> 00:47:24,213 And I remember I didn't sell you this. 683 00:47:24,297 --> 00:47:27,130 I exchanged it for another item you brought in. 684 00:47:27,217 --> 00:47:30,414 Er, obviously, I'm sorry if it's caused him problems.... 685 00:47:30,497 --> 00:47:33,728 Yes, two minutes. I'll meet you outside after I've sorted this out. 686 00:47:37,977 --> 00:47:40,411 -Is that your husband? -It is. 687 00:47:40,497 --> 00:47:42,215 And this time, if you don't mind, 688 00:47:42,297 --> 00:47:45,607 I'll just have a straight refund please. I haven't got time to.... 689 00:47:47,017 --> 00:47:48,370 What? 690 00:47:48,457 --> 00:47:51,608 No, I was just thinking. Isn't it funny... 691 00:47:52,457 --> 00:47:58,009 when I last saw that man, he appeared to be some kind of vagrant in a cardboard box... 692 00:47:58,097 --> 00:48:00,133 begging for money in the street. 693 00:48:00,217 --> 00:48:03,254 -What exactly are you implying? -Well.... 694 00:48:04,017 --> 00:48:08,727 I'm very sorry, but it's just we do have to be careful, obviously, about the risk of fraud. 695 00:48:08,817 --> 00:48:13,413 It's not unknown for people to acquire cut price versions of our products from a dubious source 696 00:48:13,497 --> 00:48:17,376 and then go around shops trying to trade them in at full value. 697 00:48:18,657 --> 00:48:21,330 -I think I'd better go. -I tend to agree. 698 00:48:21,417 --> 00:48:25,330 I think I'd better go before I do something I may later regret. 699 00:48:30,217 --> 00:48:35,166 Have you ever heard of a coronary condition called a vasovagal episode? 700 00:48:35,697 --> 00:48:38,769 -Er.... -No, I didn't imagine so. 701 00:48:39,497 --> 00:48:44,776 Well, just pray you never have one because the effect on your body is fairly terrifying. 702 00:48:44,857 --> 00:48:48,736 And if you should ever be unfortunate enough to suddenly collapse 703 00:48:48,817 --> 00:48:51,695 shivering in a doorway one night on your way home, 704 00:48:51,777 --> 00:48:56,373 Just pray some idiot doesn't come along and shove money in your hand 705 00:48:56,457 --> 00:48:59,574 when what you desperately need is an ambulance. 706 00:49:01,097 --> 00:49:03,088 Oh. Really? 707 00:49:05,337 --> 00:49:08,886 And the redness on his neck.... 708 00:49:08,977 --> 00:49:12,936 And, unlike you, I'm quite happy to give a refund. 709 00:49:23,497 --> 00:49:25,886 It wasn't really your night last night, was it? 710 00:49:29,657 --> 00:49:34,526 Oh, God! And here comes our favourite sales rep, Mr Tildsley. 711 00:49:35,057 --> 00:49:37,446 I don't think I'm quite in the mood at the moment. 712 00:49:37,537 --> 00:49:39,732 -Cleo, would you mind? -Of course. 713 00:49:43,057 --> 00:49:44,285 -Hey. -Hey. 714 00:49:44,377 --> 00:49:46,572 How's my favourite girl? 715 00:50:22,137 --> 00:50:23,729 Hi. How are you? 716 00:50:24,537 --> 00:50:29,008 Lloyd asked me to get this tape to you ASAP. The pilot of Love Soup. 717 00:50:29,537 --> 00:50:33,610 He thought it might be, you know, useful as a reference so.... 718 00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:36,052 Oh, right, thanks. 719 00:50:36,137 --> 00:50:39,049 And did he ask you to deliver it in person? 720 00:50:39,497 --> 00:50:43,331 Oh, well, I was all done for the weekend anyway and.... 721 00:50:44,657 --> 00:50:48,206 Well, actually, I thought you might ask me in for a cup of tea. 722 00:50:49,737 --> 00:50:51,853 What happened to your forehead? 723 00:50:51,937 --> 00:50:54,815 Oh, this woman hit me. 724 00:50:54,937 --> 00:50:59,965 'Cause there I am thinking, I don't know, she's about to come onto me or something. 725 00:51:00,057 --> 00:51:03,811 And then, it turns out she thinks she's got a future as a humorist, 726 00:51:03,897 --> 00:51:07,128 which is the only reason she invited me around in the first place. 727 00:51:07,217 --> 00:51:12,086 I mean, it's bad enough I got this weird thing going on with my next door neighbour. 728 00:51:12,177 --> 00:51:15,453 Who just broke up with her husband after, like, 25 years. 729 00:51:15,537 --> 00:51:20,008 Any second, I've got this horrible feeling she's going to make some kind of move which.... 730 00:51:22,017 --> 00:51:26,249 Wow, sounds like you're a real hit with the HRT brigade. 731 00:51:26,337 --> 00:51:29,727 And what would you do if she did? 732 00:51:29,817 --> 00:51:32,411 I don't know. Just think on my feet, I guess. 733 00:51:32,497 --> 00:51:35,295 Deal with it when it happens. 734 00:51:37,017 --> 00:51:39,485 So, how you getting on with Lloyd? 735 00:51:39,577 --> 00:51:41,295 Oh, well. 736 00:51:42,297 --> 00:51:45,528 There's a lot of mental undressing goes on I'm quite sure. 737 00:51:45,617 --> 00:51:50,532 And I could do without some of the jokes, but, no, we get on pretty well actually. 738 00:51:51,137 --> 00:51:53,332 I mean, he's actually very supportive 739 00:51:53,417 --> 00:51:57,012 of me and my condition and everything so.... 740 00:51:57,097 --> 00:51:59,657 Oh, yeah, I mean, Lloyd is Lloyd, you know. 741 00:51:59,737 --> 00:52:02,615 I've known him...must be about three years now. 742 00:52:02,697 --> 00:52:05,495 You know, we did this real pile of junk series for Granada 743 00:52:05,577 --> 00:52:09,286 which, I guess, came under the heading of a steep learning curve.... 744 00:52:09,377 --> 00:52:12,574 Oh, God! Okay. 745 00:52:14,177 --> 00:52:15,405 Here. 746 00:52:25,017 --> 00:52:27,053 Oh, hell. 747 00:52:27,137 --> 00:52:28,411 No. 748 00:52:29,057 --> 00:52:31,093 Now what am I going to do? 749 00:52:31,617 --> 00:52:33,847 Just think on your feet. 750 00:52:44,017 --> 00:52:47,646 Now that was kind of underhand, wouldn't you say? 751 00:52:47,737 --> 00:52:49,648 Right. Really? 752 00:52:51,057 --> 00:52:53,855 Oh, God, I suppose it was. Do you think? 753 00:52:54,937 --> 00:52:57,007 Oh, God, why did I do that? 754 00:52:57,617 --> 00:52:59,767 'Cause I'm not like that, honestly, I'm not 755 00:52:59,857 --> 00:53:03,452 and now you're going to think I'm just, like, this complete slut. 756 00:53:03,537 --> 00:53:06,768 Well, that would be a rather harsh way of putting it. 757 00:53:06,857 --> 00:53:10,247 I had absolutely no right to assume that you would.... 758 00:53:10,337 --> 00:53:13,215 Oh, God! I didn't mean to assume anything. 759 00:53:13,777 --> 00:53:17,087 What am I even doing here? I should never have come here. 760 00:53:17,217 --> 00:53:21,051 I've just completely humiliated myself by being so wanton. 761 00:53:21,137 --> 00:53:24,527 No. Listen, I would never accuse you of being wanton. 762 00:53:24,617 --> 00:53:30,010 And weak 'cause this is what happens, you see, when you give in to lust and temptation. 763 00:53:30,097 --> 00:53:34,648 -Hey, Natalie, stop worrying, you know. It's okay. -No, it's not okay, Gil. 764 00:53:35,537 --> 00:53:37,971 I've sinned in the eyes of God. 765 00:53:38,657 --> 00:53:42,491 -I am so sorry. -Oh, nothing happened, come on. 766 00:53:42,977 --> 00:53:44,535 Please forgive me. 767 00:53:46,137 --> 00:53:49,049 Oh, God, look, I've got to go to the station, now! 768 00:53:53,217 --> 00:53:57,130 GIL: Oh, God, a Catholic narcoleptic, perfect combination! 769 00:53:58,017 --> 00:54:00,212 How do I get into these situations? 770 00:54:00,297 --> 00:54:03,494 It's okay, it's just a thunderstorm, you know. 771 00:54:03,577 --> 00:54:07,092 It's not the Book of Revelations. You'll get through it. 772 00:54:13,337 --> 00:54:17,376 With all due respect, I think you're getting this Wrath of God thing out of proportion. 773 00:54:17,457 --> 00:54:20,733 The sins of intent are just as real as those we commit. 774 00:54:20,817 --> 00:54:24,253 And for what I've done today... 775 00:54:24,337 --> 00:54:26,692 I know he will judge me accordingly. 776 00:54:48,017 --> 00:54:49,496 Hiya! 777 00:54:51,217 --> 00:54:53,253 Are you back yet? 778 00:54:55,977 --> 00:54:58,013 Anyone in? 779 00:55:23,377 --> 00:55:25,095 Sorry, I don't understand. 780 00:55:25,177 --> 00:55:28,613 When you say he got rid of half your shoes, I thought that was what you'd agreed. 781 00:55:28,697 --> 00:55:32,053 You were going to leave him to choose which ones because you couldn't bear.... 782 00:55:32,137 --> 00:55:35,891 Yes, I left him to choose and he got rid of half my shoes. 783 00:55:36,737 --> 00:55:38,489 One from each pair. 784 00:55:40,697 --> 00:55:43,450 One cupboard full of left, one full of right. 785 00:55:43,537 --> 00:55:45,653 I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 786 00:55:45,737 --> 00:55:48,490 What am I going to do with 86 odd shoes? 787 00:55:49,817 --> 00:55:52,377 But he must have realised what you meant. 788 00:55:52,457 --> 00:55:54,254 Of course he realised. 789 00:55:54,337 --> 00:55:58,489 He saw me kissing that goofy Tildsley, didn't he? On the lips. 790 00:55:58,577 --> 00:56:01,375 And that's put paid to our relationship. 791 00:56:01,457 --> 00:56:04,176 Please don't make me go out spraying today. 792 00:56:04,697 --> 00:56:06,892 I feel like some kind of circus freak. 793 00:56:11,737 --> 00:56:16,811 GIL: Maybe she was right, it was the voice of God warning her off me. 794 00:56:17,577 --> 00:56:20,887 See, if I put that in a script, people would say it was contrived. 795 00:56:22,257 --> 00:56:24,771 Yeah, like the garbage that Sally woman wrote. 796 00:56:24,857 --> 00:56:28,247 Page after page of unredeemed bitterness and bile. 797 00:56:28,337 --> 00:56:30,293 I mean, lighten up, you know. 798 00:56:30,377 --> 00:56:35,212 Go and watch Stan and Ollie dance in front of the saloon. That's comedy. 799 00:56:37,497 --> 00:56:41,251 Think I'm just going to lose all that tabloid newspaper stuff. 800 00:56:41,337 --> 00:56:43,532 It's such a sledgehammer approach. 801 00:56:43,617 --> 00:56:45,812 The whole thing needs to be more organic. 802 00:56:46,297 --> 00:56:48,492 With real people like you meet in life. 803 00:56:49,737 --> 00:56:53,446 Except, when do I ever meet any real people? 804 00:56:54,817 --> 00:56:57,172 Therein lies the problem. 805 00:56:59,297 --> 00:57:02,573 ALICE: Whatever happened to trust between a man and a woman? 806 00:57:02,657 --> 00:57:05,125 Does it even exist anymore? 807 00:57:05,497 --> 00:57:08,569 I suppose they'll both find the right person eventually, but... 808 00:57:09,337 --> 00:57:12,249 is there even such a thing as the right person? 809 00:57:12,337 --> 00:57:17,172 Or are all our relationships, in a sense, destined to be just a pair of odd shoes? 810 00:57:19,777 --> 00:57:21,176 Oh, shut up. 811 00:57:21,657 --> 00:57:24,808 Got your little godson coming tomorrow. That'll be nice. 812 00:57:25,177 --> 00:57:28,249 Remember how a few days ago you were worried about him? 813 00:57:28,337 --> 00:57:30,487 That he was growing up too fast? 814 00:57:30,577 --> 00:57:33,296 And that's half your trouble, if truth be told. 815 00:57:33,657 --> 00:57:38,526 You spend far too much time worrying yourself sick over nothing at all. 816 00:58:18,617 --> 00:58:20,209 Do you like it?